Top Ten things I learned at Stagecoach Country Music Festival this weekend in Indio, Califorina…
1) When mom and dad tell you not to get a tattoo…they are right. I know this seems counter intuitive because I have a tattoo, but OMG, the dumb things people permanently put on their bodies, KILL ME. For example, this joker pictured who is yes wearing a tuxedo jock strap, had “Are you experienced?” tattooed on him from hip bone to hip bone. like, what?! Do you have a mom? Do you expect to have a wife? What if you have a daughter. I die. This is just one of the many examples of why, large tattoos that may seem meaningful(not sure if are you experienced ever did) at the time AREN’T! **if you are thinking about getting a tat, sit with the thought for at least 5 years…then decide. That’s what I did anyway…
2)If you choose to wear something offensive, be prepared to be talked sh*t to. If your shirt is a confederate flag, remember that some black people like country music too and you may or may not get punched. If your shirt says, “I love titties and beer, thank god I’m not queer,” remember you are in California and your will get literally bitch slapped by a handsome gay man. I get it, you are free to do what you want, just like they are, but in my book-you dumb.
3)While we are talking clothes…put some on. That’s all.
4)Festivals make me hyper aware of my age. I am so glad I’m not a high school DAB(Drunk Ass Bitch) and making out in front of my mom or worse someone else’s mom who is our chaperone. I am painfully reminiscent of my college years when taking the #senioroption was fine and all of my besties were with me all the time. And I am happy to not be that pregnant girl, who though she looks beautiful in her white eyelet classy dress, her husband is a DAD(Drunk Ass Daddy-to-be) and she is so sober it hurts. I guess, I am right were I need to be at this age, but college really looks nice.
5) Babies do not belong at music festivals. Music festivals are like bars, but there are more people, with more alcohol, more dehydration and less clothes on. Keep the kids at home. It seems great to not pay a sitter, but when you’re 2 year old is all over social media because the 170 girls in the bathroom line thought he was “Soo cute,” you will wind up with a DCFS(Department of Children and Families) report on your doorstep for child endorsement.
6) Porta potties are still gross and the lines are grosser.
7) A true reminder of how small you are. There is something very incredible about being 1 in 20,000 singing to a solid country jam in the middle of some spectacular mountains. oh hey god, I see you.
8)I would eat festival food everyday of the week if I could. Roasted corn. OMG. and it’s fine if is super caloric, you can just line dance it off later.
9)If you can 2 step, we may fall in love. 2 stepping is a seemingly easy thing(it’s only 2 steps) but it is truly fascinating that people really can’t catch on. Maybe these people need to spend more time at dicey bars, with local bands, 2-stepping frat boys, loving bartenders and bearded angry bouncers like I did in college.
10) The weather may be better here and the music is the same, but by God, the people are always better in TEXAS.
Needless to say, I had a blast and I will be back next year, with all the more knowledge of how to make Stagecoach, my kind of party.